Apocalypse Now: Hotel Edition

Day 5: 705 until the Apocalypse

Last night we, Lauren and Anna, stayed at a hotel. Accompanying us was a very annoying pre-teen who astoundingly resembled Snooki, this of course reminded us that we have a blog to tend to about the Apocalypse. In this blog we will be listing ways to protect you and your loved ones if you happen to find yourselves in a hotel when the Apocalypse arrives. We'll also conveniently discard the annoying pre-teen who has accompanied you.

Tip 1: In case of an Apocalypse concerning religion, most hotels have conveniently placed pools in which you and your loved ones can be quickly baptized. Also, if you wish to create holy water you can simply plop the cross around your neck (you may want to start wearing one) into the pool.

Tip 2: Also most decent hotels will often a complimentary breakfast, seeing as breakfast is the most important meal of the day it will help very much to ward off fatigue during Apocalyptic events.

Tip 3: If the Apocalyptic event you're dealing with concerns zombies the elevator(s) in your hotel could also be used as a panic room. Just keep going up and down and firmly hold down the close button, that looks something like this: >|<.

Tip 4: If there are fire-breathing monsters in your hotel during the Apocalypse simply use the annoying pre-teen we previously discarded for you as a decoy. And since she resembles Snooki she'll probably be grateful that you supplied her with such a nice tan.

Tip 5: Luggage carts are a good source of transportation if you are accompanied by small children &/or pets. Hopefully, not a hairless cat.

p.s.

We do not advise the hauling of a cat of any kind into a hotel.

Apocalypse Now:Fahrenheit 451

Day 4:

868 Days Until the Apocalypse

WARNING:

If you are in possession of a "Kindle" or a "Nook," you are causing George Orwell to roll in his grave. You also may cause and/or will NOT survive the Apocalypse. Because of your lack of appreciation towards paper, with your help, the children of the future will not be able to read fine or even crappy literature. Due to the digital age, online "literature" is slowly, but surely decomposing the arts of reading and writing.

We apologize for our lack of intelligence in this post, it is now ending.

Apocalypse Now: The Inevitably Invincible

Day 3:

924 days until the Apocalypse.

We have come to find that there are three sources of being that are inevitably invincible. The first and foremost being, Craig Owens [as seen in the photo above]. Second, the root of ginger. And third, the most predictable: the cockroach. We have compiled a list of five reasons as to why these things are invincible. We shall start with the sexiest, and I am not referring to the cockroach.

Craig Owens:

1. He is often unable to locate his clothing.
2. He's already survived it once, [he has been seen sporting a mysterious scar across his abdominal region].
3. He is angelic, despite his over-use of the word of F***.
4. His armor of ink.
5. His ability to beautifully scream horrifying threats. For example, "I'll stop stabbing, when you stop screaming..."

Ginger:

1. The ginger root is a "tuber" therefore, it can hide underground during the various apocalyptic events of the future.
2. It has many medical qualities, including the relieving of aches in your noggin.
3. It can also heal other regions of your body.
4. It can save your horse from up-chucking during the Apocalypse, [because everyone will need a healthy horse during these events!].
5. Its taste and smell are both quite wonderfully exotic and will ease you temporarily from the inevitable stresses of the Apocalypse.

Cockroaches:

1. The fact that they are the only creature [proven] to survive the nuclear bomb.
2. The cockroach can live a complete week without its head.
3. The cockroach has six brains placed throughout its body.
4. There are about 4,500 species of the cockroach.
5. Cockroaches are without a doubt the most attractive insect [don't deny this allegation, you know its true].

P.S.

If you happen to find a box labeled "pluot" in the produce section of your local Sam's Club, please do not fall for the scam. These fruit claim to be both plum AND apricot, but after tedious research [including personal taste-tests], we have come to find that the pluot is nothing more than a plum. The only thing a pluot is good for is the possibility of being the first name of the soon-to-be offspring of Lady Gaga and/or [please consider the "or"] Craig Owens. His and/or [now, please consider the "and"] her name will be Pluot Lyric Gaga-Owens, and she/he will survive the Apocalypse!

P.S.S.

Rhinos have everything to do with birth control.

Apocalypse Now: Horror Film Edition.

Day 2:

949 Days until the Apocalypse.

This entry does not necessarily have anything to do with the Apocalypse, but you never know when this information could be made useful.

If you ever think you are about to enter a scenario that is similar to that of a Horror/Science/Adventure film, you will need the following:

• Bobby Pins
• Sham-wow [a Chamois or any other knock-off brand will not do]
• Waterproof Mascara [this is a unisex suggestion]
• Paper Clips [NOT safety pins]
• A Snuggie [NOT a backwards bathrobe]
• A demented little girl [preferably Brunette]
• A waddling bird [or some other sign of plague]
• A baby
• 2 more Bobby Pins
• Best Friend [use as escape decoy]
• Wisdom
• Harry Potter [or proof of Hogwarts' attendance]
• This blog
• A Phantom of the Opera mask
• &/or a famous politician mask [preferably Hilary Clinton]
• Spiders
• Verbal profanity
• Flashlight [duh..]
• Some sort of murderer
• Many illusions
• Booby traps
  
• Two people making babies [preferably only once]
• Lady Gaga's Cook & Kill recipe

Apocalypse Now: Animal Edition.

Day 1:

950 Days until the Apocalypse

Introduction:

Hello, you may know us digitally as TwitchyEyebrows, but if you were ever fortunate enough to meet us in person you'd learn our names to be Anna & Lauren.

In this blog we will be supplying to the general public tips and advice of what to do when the Apocalypse comes and random information that has absolutely nothing to do with religious beliefs and/or natural disasters, yet is completely relevant. Trust us. We're certified.*

*certification: poetic licenses and invisible drivers' permits.

Welcome to the Apocalypse Now blog: Common Household Pet Edition.

Our first topic of discussion: Hairless cats will cause the Apocalypse. However some scientists agree that if you are in possession or near-habitual residence of a Pixiebob feline you will be safe from this Apocalyptic scenario. If you own a hairless cat, do not panic. If you are nice to your little hairless ball of anti-Christ it may spare you. However if your hairless cat hisses at crosses and other religious paraphernalia. It was nice knowing you.

If you have a Pixiebob cat feed it more than necessary. Its gonna need it!

When the Apocalypse comes you're going to need to find a place where you know your pet will be treated correctly after all humans become extinct, except atheists (do not change religious views due to this statement; will result in severe eternal burns). To find the perfect trustworthy atheist for your little critter go to http://grasshoppersdreaming.blogspot.com/2009/08/post-rapture-pet-sitting.html.

Second topic of discussion: The apocalypse caused by wiener dogs. If you purchase a wiener dog, do NOT name it Oscar Mayer. If you do so then you're pretty much screwed. All wiener dogs are evil, but they have very small grey matter residing in their skulls therefore the only way for these little canine wieners to exert their evil ways is to hear the words "Oscar Mayer" spoken to them by a human voice in a demanding tone.

If you own any animal besides a hairless cat, pixiebob cat, or wiener dogs these particular scenarios do not effect you. If you can not afford the convenient service of atheists then you may want to shove your pet, for example a Yorkie, into a safe with a large bag of food and a tightly secured oxygen mask. The Atheists will come find them after the Apocalypse is over.

Warning: Other possible Apocalyptic scenarios will be posted regularly.